Compassion, support, respect and sensitivity are important in any emotional discussion, but especially when communicating with an individual who has been through trauma.  Here are 21 pointers to help develop your awareness when talking with friends, family, loved ones– and anyone– if they have been sexually assaulted.

 Instead of: “That was so long ago, why can’t you just get over it?”
Say: “Healing doesn’t follow a timeline. It’s okay to still be affected.”

 

Instead of: “Are you sure it happened?”
Say: “I believe you. Thank you for trusting me with this.”

 

Instead of: “If you talk about it so much, you’ll never heal.”
Say: “It’s normal to process what happened. Talking can be part of healing.”

 

Instead of: “You know that song, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’”
Say: “Healing is unique to each survivor and doesn’t have to be about ‘strength.’”

 

Instead of: “I could never go through what you went through.”
Say: “I can’t fully know your experience, but I’m here to listen and support you.”

 

Instead of: “That perpetrator must live with such awful regret.”
Say: “What matters most is your healing and safety, not their feelings.”

 

Instead of: “That’s how men act. It’s normal.”
Say: “Abuse is never acceptable. You are not at fault.”

 

Instead of: “So and so forgave her abuser; it was easy.”
Say: “Every survivor’s path is different. Forgiveness is a personal choice.”

 

Instead of: “It’s just sex.”
Say: “Any sexual assault is serious. Your experience is valid.”

 

Instead of: “But was it full sexual abuse? He just leered? That’s it?”
Say: “Any non-consensual sexual act is abuse. Your experience matters.”

 

Instead of: “Was the perpetrator drunk? Were you?”
Say: “Being intoxicated doesn’t excuse abuse. Survivors are never to blame.”

 

Instead of: “Well, what were you wearing?”
Say: “Clothing never causes or excuses abuse. You are not at fault.”

 

Instead of: “Did you flirt? What did you expect?”
Say: “Nothing you did justifies abuse. You did not deserve this.”

 

Instead of: “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
Say: “You shared when you were ready. That was the right time for you.”

 

Instead of: “Hmmm, but you look normal.”
Say: “Trauma doesn’t have a specific appearance. Survivors can look any way and still be affected.”

 

Instead of: “Just stop thinking about it.”
Say: “It’s normal to think about what happened. Processing is part of healing.”

 

Instead of: “It could have been worse. (Insert worse story).”
Say: “Your experience is real and important exactly as it happened.”

 

Instead of: “Oh, I understand totally.”
Say: “I may not fully understand, but I am here to listen and support you.”

 

Instead of: “You sure you didn’t make this up to get attention?”
Say: “I believe you. Thank you for trusting me.”

 

Instead of: “Well, why didn’t you (insert)?”
Say: “Survivors make decisions based on safety and circumstances. You are not at fault.”

 

Instead of: “This was part of God’s plan, so you’ll have to make your peace with it.”
Say: “Faith can be personal, but no belief should minimize abuse. Healing and safety come first.”